Mad Gastronomer

Cut for talk of serious depression and self-harm

Really really bad night. Tried to get to bed early — read 3am — and it’s backfired horribly. I listen to audiobooks to help me sleep, and tonight I put on an old favorite, old comfort reading … and just went to pieces. Because the second scene is the MC walking into his beautiful, perfect, closed, dead bar. And I lost it. It was bad. I was thinking hard about cutting, even though it’s been like 12 years, even though it never helps, never relieves anything, even though I promised myself I would never do it again.

And Kate held me and looked after me, but now the sleep meds she took before it got so bad have kicked in hard, and if she tries to stay awake any longer, she’ll have bad motion sickness, and she just can’t function anymore and has to sleep. And now I’m alone in the dark again, trying to find something to listen to that won’t leave me wishing for a razor blade. My system’s pumped full of ativan for the anxiety that’s driving this, and lamictal for the mood swings, and ambien so that at some point I can sleep.

And I can’t. I can’t anything. I can’t even think of anything I might conceivably be capable of doing.

Fuck, I hate this.